New Leaf Magazine

Friends are forgotten grievers. When a friend dies, as a friend, you rally around the family to see if you can help, all the time putting a hold on you own personal grief. Unfortunately, no one pays attention to your pain and your grief and you are left alone to sort things out. Sherry Williams White, writer, nurse and grief specialis, provides information to help you honor your feelings and your friend as she provides positive coping strategies for you, "The Forgotten Griever."

Eileen Douglas shares this true story about the death of her husband, how she told her daughter about his death. This story will warm your heart as you learn how she handled her own grief, found hope and a renewed spirit as she traveled her grief journey. 

Jessie Flynn, writer, Life-Coach and Grief Specialist, shares her personal story and how she coped with the loss of her brother. She writes:

One month ago my brother Jimmy died in a car accident on an icy road during a flook April snow storm. I was devastated. Brother, best friend, confidante, fun-loving companion for life (or so I thought), he was my personal treasure. And after a tough childhood, we both had vowed always to be there for each other.

The irony of this loss is that I am a grief counselor who helps others heal. And now I am in such indescribable pain that getting through the day without crying or thinking constantly of him is impossible.

Michael Lewis a ten-year-old whose father died suddenly shares a poem he wrote about his understanding of heaven.

Paul Alexander, songwriter and grief counselor, explains that grief is a process. There is freedom in acknowledging the need to go with the flow of what seems like a tidal wave. The only way through grief is to go through it. Every step is a step. There are not shortcuts. We must be true to ourselves in understanding our path. An intimate connection of life and love has been taken from our existence. If we broke a leg we would not argue that we needed rest and healing time. Can you allow yourself the care you need for the hurting part of you?

[Journaling] may not be the answer for everyone but all the experiment takes is some paper, a pen and a box of tissues. When I think of my father now, which is quite often, my memories are not plagued with guilt. I think of the funny things he sad or how much we are alike. I can stop dwelling on the “what ifs.” I did what I could at the time and I did it with love. There are no regrets.

When someone dies, though, it doesn’t matter how many times we wake up; they have still died and we are still left to face a new and uncertain future without them. Tough we may wish that we could we can’t turn back time an we can’t stay in bed asleep forever. Like Dorothy, we may look to others for direction and comfort and may hope also that the Great Oz can fix our situation. Dorothy was able to find some comfort in her companions who were also looking for something. Together, each of them felt not quite so alone and they kept each other from giving up and staying on the road.

Susan Smith, editor and author, shares ten simple rules for decreasing stress and coping with your grief. These ten simple rules fashioned after the Ten Commandments are guidelines for all to follow in order to make life easier.

Be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap later. One man named Jim received a seed. His wife helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed. Every day, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Jim kept checking  his see, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing. By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn’t have a plant and he felt like a failure.

Susan Smith, editor and writer, uses an allegorical story about a teal cup to explain how we are molded by our experiences in life. She explains that God knows what He’s doing for each of us. He is the potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will.

So, when life seems hard and you are being pounded and patted and pushed almost beyond endurance, when your world seems to be spinning out of control, when you feel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials, when life stinks, try this: Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest tea cup, sit down and think of this story. And have a little talk with the Potter.

"Should I cry or should I try to hold back the tears?" "What if I can't cry?" "Do women really cry more than men?" "If I don't cry, does it mean that I don't care?" In all my years in grief work, these are only a few of the questions I have received about tears. It would seem that these questions reflect the high level of ambivalence about crying. Many of us feel that crying shows our feelings of love, concern and sadness. In the same breath, we can say that if we hold back our tears, we are being strong and courageous.

Tony Falzano, writer, composer and grief specialist, shares in his first of three articles how music can be healing. He writes: Several years ago, I wrote an article that appeared on this site titled, "Music: A Friend to those that Grieve". Since then, people have asked me what are the specific healing qualities within the music and how do you use music to help you work through grief?

These are good questions: how do sounds, floating in air, in no tangible form, foster healing for the physical body?

Well, one of the major ways that music assists us during grief resolution is that it can be so engaging and interesting, mesmerizing and absorbing that it can actually divert our attention away from what troubles our mind and body. Music can be a distraction.

Tony Falzano, musician and author, shares his second in a series of three articles on music and how it specifically acts as a healing agent for those grieving a loss. In the previous session, we examined how music can direct our attention from uneasy surroundings and divert us away from pain. This month we'll look at another way music can help us through the grief process.

Tony Falzano, musician and author, shares his third and last article on music and grief and how it specifically acts as a healing agent for those grieving a loss. In the previous session, we examined how music can direct our attention from uneasy surroundings and divert us away from pain. This month, we'll look at another way music can help us through the grief process.

Deb Kosmer writer, nurse and grief specialist, shares information about how grief seems to put us in a time warp. She explains that when love dies time stops. It does not take long for us to realize it is for us only that time has stopped. We stand caught in a time warp while the rest of the world rolls on by. We gradually become aware of this fact and sometimes have very shocking reminders of it, lightening bolts to our version of reality. Some days we may want to scream at the world and the people in it; “How dare you go on? Can’t you see I am barely holding on by just a thread? How dare you complain about such ridiculous meaningless stuff? Do you have any idea of what has happened to me? Don’t you realize? Don’t you care? How dare you laugh and carry on as though nothing has happened? My loved one has died. Nothing is funny anymore. I don’t think I will ever laugh again.”

Sherry Williams, Grief Specialist, provides insight into the many feelings and reactions to grief. She shares simple and easy coping strategies that will help you can gain a sense of control in your life as you develop a new normal.

Susan Smith, author and editor, shares interviews with grief experts on how to cope with the holidays after a loved one has died.  She shares ideas for making the holidays easier to face and provides coping strategies that will help you find hope as you enter the new year.

Linda Probus, Bereavement Counselor, shares her expereinces helping with tragic loss and its impact on individuals and the communities in which they live. She tells of her experiences in crisis counseling and explains how time softens and gently washes away some of the layers of our grief and pain.

At the rising of the sun and at its going down, we remember them. At the blowing of the wind and the chill of Winter, we remember them. At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of Spring, we remember them.

Lou Ann Stanton provides clear insite on how to help grieving individuals. Through her own experience as a widow she thought she had learned to talk to those who grieve but she learned that one of the best gifts you can give to someone who is grieving is the gift of listening.

Deb Kosmer uses her gift with words in this lovely poem that so adequately explains what grief does and doesn't do as well as explaining what it is and what it isn't. In a way that only Deb can, she provides you with her gift of hope for the futurel

Sister Mauryeen O'Brien explains how we can adapt to life after the death of a loved one and how we can face the cold world of winter after the Holidays are over. Here's an excerpt from here story:

“What happens after Christmas?” We can begin to listen to those around us who are eager to reach out and help us begin our healing process. We can match our pace to that of the nature that surrounds us: quiet, restful, not rushed, waiting expectantly for a sign of growth and beauty. “What happens after Christmas?” We can take the time to once again “know that He is God…” He has the capacity to allow nature to not only survive winter after winter but to grow from the cold and dreary months. Has He not also the capacity to do the same for us who are indeed His most precious children?

Deb Kosmer lists expectations for your journey through grief.

If someone you love has died, you may be surprised at how you feel about upcoming holidays or special days. Observances that used to be fun-filled may be overshadowed by anxiety, apprehension and sadness. Sherry Williams White uses her years of experience in working with grieving individuals to explain why grief seems more intense during the hoilidays and what you can do to have more control of the season. She shares ideas for including the memory of your loved one in holiday celebrations by creating new rituals and traditions for the future.

Susan Smith, writter and editor, shares her interview with Eileen Douglas whose husband Jeff completed suicide. Eileen tells how it impacted her life and the life of her then 4 year old daughter as they struggled to put the pieces of their lives back together.  Eileen shares how she watched her daughter with other friends and saw her drawings where all her hearts were upside down because as Rachel told her friends, "That's how I feel." This poignant story shows how that little girl's heart turned right side up again.